„Wherever you look, you see yourself“ said the sign in colorful, handwritten letters, posted just outside the little oasis. Two jetplanes in low flight above my head, a ripped couch and vast empty land was all I could see when I walked out for the first time after a morning meditation with expressive dancing and screaming among two hand full of others. I might be even more lost in confusion with what I am, or think to be as I was when I came to this Ashram in the desert. 

Weeks pass by - endless hugs are saying the unspoken and strangers become companions. In this place, I am not too much anymore as everybody is craving to be touched below the surface. But there’s more underneath than the need for love, there’s fear, pain, anger and the ones to project it onto are around everyday, sharing a communal life form.

This present moment is so full of deep, gentle joy that it makes me want to explode right here and now! My body just feels too small to contain the idea of being one with everything. I am trapped in it, tied to keeping this shell alive and steering it through this thing called life while making it a servant to the whole - call it god, the universe or just the force that keeps everything continuing creation.

Still shaking the shell and screaming at this unknown barrier that has grown big inside over the years but is so difficult to locate and climb over. We are breathing connected, my fingers start cramping, the room is filled with groaning, screaming, laughing - then calm peace sets in as I start talking to the barrier, putting myself above it just by believing it to be possible.

Strange dresses and hats transform my body into a paradise bird or nakedness leaves it’s pure state open for everybody to see and then teaches me to accept and love the skin I’ve been placed in for this phase of being. I’m starting to loose what they said is sanity as I look into the eyes of the inner child that hasn’t yet started to build walls, doesn’t know of the myths we created to arrange society, and the pains that come with loving and loosing others. The child is curious, open and ready to follow their heart into an unrestrained discovery.